Fullmetal's Panic
by Lord Raa
Summary: A slight mishap leads to a situation for our favourite prodigal alchemist. Not to be taken seriously or internally.


Fullmetal's Panic

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: A fool and his trousers are soon parted.

* * *

Part 1

* * *

It was the last night before Edward and Alphonse Elric started their return journey back to East City. The brothers were staying in a moderately priced hotel room, though Ed wasn't able to appreciate most of the amenities.

The blonde alchemist was groaning piteously as he crawled out of his bed and headed to the bathroom.

Al was woken up by the sound of his big brother retching loudly in an attempt to remove the contents of his stomach.

"Brother, are you ok?"

Edward was unable to answer, having passed out hugging the toilet.

"Brother!" the walking suit of armour shouted.

Grabbing the unconscious alchemist, Al rushed out of their room to find a doctor.

* * *

Doctor Williams frowned at the state of his latest patient. The young alchemist that had been rushed to him was in a bad way, the traces of vomit on his face weren't the biggest concern, though anything that was enough to make someone who'd been described as having a cast iron stomach that sick was troublesome.

No, the biggest concern for the doctor was the rectal bleeding that had started en route to the hospital.

"So the, what had he eaten lately?" the 40 year old man asked the imposing suit of steel.

"I think it was some food at the inn. But he may have picked up something to eat before that," Al replied.

"Edward, can you hear me? I need to know if you've eaten something that's been poisoned," Dr. Williams said to the groaning alchemist.

"…apple…" Fullmetal whispered. "…after that some…roast chicken with…other guests…"

The doctor turned to Alphonse. "I need you to find out if anyone else is ill. If it's food poisoning, then we may have a chance of treating it here. If it's not, then…"

"I'll find out what I can."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Alphonse returned.

"I couldn't find anyone who was at dinner who was sick. It wasn't the food at the inn."

"Damn, that means it's not food poisoning. I don't think it's lupus either," Dr. Williams sighed. "I'm sorry, Alphonse, but I can't treat your brother because I don't know what's causing his problem. We need to get him to a bigger hospital. Possibly the military one in East City."

"W-we were going to head there in the morning," Al explained. "My brother's a State Alchemist and he needs to make a report."

"I see, well, as luck would have it, there's a night train leaving for East City in about 45 minutes, we need to get your brother on that train if he's going to have any chance of surviving this. You go get some tickets, I'll stabilise him as best I can."

* * *

Alphonse Elric would have shed tears for his brother had his metal body allowed it. The walking tin can, as some (namely a drunken Roy Mustang) referred to him as, was trying his best to make his currently sedated brother comfortable.

He looked over the note that Dr. Williams had given him to hand to the doctors in East City.

"I have no idea what any of this mean," the amateur alchemist sighed as the train rocked gently on its tracks. "If only I could help you, brother."

* * *

Elsewhere, the Homunculi were just finding out news about the unfortunate state of Edward Elric.

"This isn't good," Lust declared. "We need the Elric brothers to find the Philosopher's Stone. Have you heard what's up with him?"

"The doctors don't know," Envy explained, having morphed back into his "normal" body. "But they think that the doctors in East City might know, so that's where they're being sent on the night train."

The lead homunculus paced as she thought about the next course of action. "I think that we may need to do something to help Edward recover. I'll head over East City to see what's going on. I'm taking some of the refined Red Water with me."

* * *

The dawn light shining through the carriage window Edward woke up.

"Ohh," he groaned. "Somebody turn off the lights…"

"That's better," he said when Alphonse closed the window shade. "I wish I hadn't eaten those…"

"Eaten those what, Brother?" Al asked, a pen and pad in his hands ready to take notes.

"Wild strawberries," Ed answered weakly. "But they were so plump and juicy…"

"Wild strawberries? When did you eat those?"

"On the way back to the inn."

"But that was in the forest where… Brother! I think you've got Red Water poisoning!" said the armoured alchemist.

"Wha?" Ed's question was cut off by some horrific sounding retching. "Oh God, that hurts. Tell me we're nearly there, Al. Please."

"It's about half an hour or so."

"T-that'll have to do…" the blonde moaned before slumping bonelessly on the cot he was resting on.

"Brother, I don't know what to do…" a saddened Al sighed.

* * *

The medical staff at the military hospital were able to make Edward comfortable during his emergency, though they weren't able to do a lot to help his underlying condition.

The senior doctor, Dr. Gregory Holmes, scratched his head as he tried to figure out what was wrong with his patient.

"The x-rays didn't pick anything up," he mused as he paced in his office. "The other guests weren't sick, so it's not food poisoning and all the other tests for poisoning came back negative. The only thing it can be is that Red Water that his brother was babbling about."

Hobbling on his cane to his office door, Dr. Holmes opened it and prepared to leave for the main library. His path was blocked by Colonel Mustang.

"Dr. Holmes, I presume? I need to talk to you about Edward Elric," said the raven haired man.

"Can we do this on the way to the library? I need to do some research on something called 'Red Water,'" the doctor explained.

"That's what I need to talk to you about, Doctor," Mustang explained, closing the door behind him. "Red Water is a classified secret so you won't find much in the public libraries."

Holmes sighed. Rubbing his right thigh muscle, he looked his visitor in the eye. "Now what am I supposed to do to cure your alchemist?"

"Find another way."

The door swung open and Riza Hawkeye burst in before the two men could argue the point further.

"Colonel Mustang!" the blonde shouted. "There's been an incident in Elric's room!"

"What happened?" Mustang demanded as he rushed to where Edward was residing.

"Someone broke in while we weren't looking. We saw a bright flash and heard the window breaking when tried to get into the room," Riza explained as they neared the isolation room.

Edward lay on his bed, his tongue hanging out like a tired dog on a hot day.

"Describe the flash," Roy ordered from the assembled military officers.

"It was like a huge alchemic reaction," Havoc replied, saluting the colonel. "I also noted that the intruder had long, unrestrained hair. Unfortunately, it was too dark for me to make out the exact colour, but it was dark."

"That's good," Mustang nodded as he made a note of the observations. "Doctor, what's Elric's condition?"

"I don't know. It doesn't look like he's in pain, but I won't know for a while. Sorry, but there's nothing we can do," Dr. Holmes said apologetically. "Speaking of which, we should let him get some rest."

"I'll go put an alert for a cat burglar with long dark hair," Havoc said before departing.

* * *

Edward Elric woke up and hunched over his bedpan before starting an almighty coughing fit. When it was finally over, he managed to remove the blood and phlegm from his throat and lungs.

"Oh man, that hurt," the blonde alchemist sighed. He reached for his glass of water and rinsed the coppery taste from his mouth. "Bleargh."

A knock on the door alerted him to his visitors.

"I see that you're up now," the doctor smiled. "I'm Dr. Holmes, I take it you know this gentleman here."

"Good to see that you're feeling better, Elric," Mustang said with a small, yet genuine smile.

"Yes, how are you feeling, Edward?" Holmes asked as he checked the teenager's eyes and glands.

"Kinda hungry," Ed admitted.

"That's understandable, though I'd rather you didn't just run off and gorge yourself on desserts in the nearest restaurant. I think that something simple like vegetable soup would be appropriate. Maybe some bread and cheese as well."

"Yeah, that'd be great," the blonde smiled.

"Right, I'll have Lt. Ross bring you something," Mustang replied.

Edward blinked. "Who's Lieutenant Ross? And where's Al for that matter?"

"Your brother's at headquarters telling us what happened. Lt. Ross has been assigned to protect you, since you're far too reckless for your own good," the Flame Alchemist informed, though his stern tone was offset by the smirk on his face.

"Reckless?"

"Well, you did manage to hospitalise yourself," the doctor replied as he checked the blonde's responses to various poking and prodding. "So what happened? Did you drink some contaminated water? Someone slip you something in a drink?"

"I think I ate some strawberries," Edward answered.

"Think? What are you, an idiot?" Dr. Holmes demanded. "Don't you remember what you did yesterday? Were you drunk? Did you hit your head? Do you have insanely Early-onset Alzheimer's?"

"I don't remember too clearly because I was busy puking my guts up!" the teenager protested angrily.

"Well, I've done all I can for you now. Get some rest you'll be fine. Well, future health issues that arise in the line of duty not withstanding. Colonel Mustang, don't get him too excited – there are other patients on this ward, you know."

"I'll bear that in mind," the Flame Alchemist deadpanned. When they were left alone, he sat on the side of the bed. "Do you remember anything after you were admitted last night?"

"No, why?"

"Because there was an intruder here in your room; apparently it was a woman familiar with alchemy," Mustang explained.

"Oh," Edward replied. "I honestly don't remember much after I fell ill."

"Well, I'll let you get some rest."

* * *

Back at headquarters Alphonse Elric was recounting what he knew of the events that led to his brother's incapacitation and the incident involving the break-in.

"I think that he said something about eating some wild strawberries when we were in Xenotime. But the thing is I think that they were contaminated with some of the Red Water we encountered."

"I see," Riza nodded. "That would explain why he was so ill. But can you tell us about what happened last night? Can you tell me anything about the intruder?"

"It was a woman. She had long hair, I think it was brown or black, and she wore a dress. That was a dark colour too. Sorry, but it was hard to see in the room – it was dark and the alchemic reaction dazzled me a bit," the armoured youth replied sadly.

"It's ok, Alphonse," the blonde smiled reassuringly. "Can you remember anything else about her?"

"Err… she was… the dress, it was… rather clingy."

"What do you mean?"

"It was about ankle length, but the way that it clung to her narrow waist and how it lifted her…" Alphonse trailed off, clearly embarrassed by the fact that he lacked the vocabulary to describe it properly with out using his hands to gesture to his chest.

"Oh… Oh, I see," Riza nodded, unsure of how to properly respond to that piece of information. "And she fled out of the window?"

"Yes, is Edward ok?"

"He is," a voice from the doorway answered.

"Colonel Mustang," Riza said as she stood up and saluted. "I have some information about the intruder."

"Good, can you arrange for a sketch artist to work with Alphonse?" Mustang asked. "Alphonse, you can visit your brother, but remember that he's still fragile."

"Thank you, Sir," the suit of armour bowed before rushing out of the room.

* * *

Edward Elric smiled appreciatively at the tray of food that Lt. Maria Ross brought in for him.

"Hello there, Sir," the short haired woman smiled. "I've brought you some vegetable soup, wheat bread and cheese."

"Thank you," the alchemist said moments before his stomach protested at the delay. "Sorry about that."

"It's alright, Sir," Maria giggled. "Just remember to eat it at a sensible… rate."

The lieutenant sighed when she noticed that Edward had already finished his soup and was using the bread to mop up what remained in the bowl.

"You need to be careful with your food, Sir; you're still recovering from a serious case of poisoning. You could make yourself worse."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I was so hungry," Ed replied, looking down at the tray.

Ross shook her head. "If you're going to eat like that, could you at least get your food in your mouth, not on your face?"

"Wha? Oh," the alchemist replied when his new bodyguard started to wipe his mouth and chin. "Sorry about that."

"I guess that even the great Fullmetal Alchemist needs to be looked after," the raven haired woman joked.

"Are you saying that I'm so small that I'm being mistaken for baby that needs to be spoon fed?!" Edward raged at the perceived joke at his expense.

"N-no sir," Ross insisted. "I was just saying that you are, some times, a messy eater."

"She's right, you know, Brother," an echoing, metallic voice said from the doorway.

"Al!"

"I see your appetite has returned," Alphonse teased. "I was beginning to think that you'd been replaced with an impostor when you stopped eating."

"That's not funny!" Ed fumed. "I burn through a lot of calories during the day with my exercise and alchemy."

"He was just teasing you, Sir," Ross said in an attempt to placate the volatile youth. "I'll take these back to the kitchens, please try not to disturb the other patients."

"Please try not to disturb the other patients," the blonde alchemist repeated in a mocking tone when the Lieutenant left the room.

"Brother! You shouldn't be like that, she's only trying to help you, you know," Alphonse chided. "Besides, you're getting too careless."

"I know that I shouldn't eat just anything I come across, but I was starving!" Edward insisted.

"Yeah, yeah, and they looked so plump and juicy," the bodiless alchemist sighed. He crossed the room and placed a hand on his brother's organic shoulder. "I'm glad that you're ok now. But you should take it easy – you never know when we're going to have to leave on a mission."

"Yeah, you're right, Al. Hey, since when do you get to be right most of the time?" the recuperating Elric asked with a mock petulance. "That's supposed to be me – I'm the older brother, remember?"

"…" Alphonse pondered his response. "It's because I'm not the one who gets stomach aches all the time!"

Edward eloquently stuck his tongue out in reply. "Thanks, Al, you've really helped cheer me up."

"It's my job. I'll let you get some rest, they want me to talk with the sketch artist to see if we can get something to help them find who broke in here last night."

"Ok, see you later, Al," Edward yawned before lying down for some sleep.

* * *

It was nearly an hour later when Mustang was shown the sketch of the woman that had broken into Fullmetal's room.

And after two minutes of intense study, his lieutenant, Riza Hawkeye nudged him.

"Sir, have you finished appraising Lieutenant Frickenbacker's work?" the blonde asked with a sigh.

"I-is there really a woman out there with such… characteristics?" Mustang asked as he surreptitiously checked his mouth for drool.

Unfortunately for the normally suave officer, Riza saw it. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she felt that her superior was eyeing her up again.

"Sir, I must ask for the sketch back – we need to make copies of it to distribute to the search parties."

"What? But… Yes, of course, Lieutenant Hawkeye. I'll join in the effort and canvass the area. I know just where to look," the Flame Alchemist said before catching himself in time to avoid flashing his infamous grin. "Please, let me know when enough copies are available, Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Yes Sir," she saluted.

* * *

It was nearly 8pm when Edward had finally had enough with being cooped up with nothing to do in the hospital room.

"Gah, I'm so bored! I have to get out of here!" the blonde whined.

His gold eyes scanned the room, hoping for something, anything to occupy his mind with. He didn't care what it was whether it was something new to read or a jigsaw puzzle, he just needed something to do.

Leaning back, Edward let out a sigh. "Isn't there anything I can do?"

After rubbing his eyes, the alchemist noticed that the table to his right was made of wood. "Hey, that gives me an idea…"

A quick clap of his hands and a flash of light later, Edward had turned part of the table top into a block of wood 15 centimetres square and five centimetres thick.

"This should be enough to try this out," he mused before transmutating the index finger on his right hand into a short chisel. "Let's see how easy this is."

* * *

Ten minutes and a moderate amount of cursing later, Edward's attempts at wood carving were interrupted by Lieutenant Ross's arrival.

"Sir," the raven haired woman saluted. "I've brought this sketch of the woman your brother saw last night to see if you can remember any more details."

"Oh, ok," the alchemist shrugged as he set the badly mangled piece of wood to one side. "Oh, that's right, this was part of the tabletop. One moment, Lieutenant."

Edward placed the wood and most of the shavings back to where they would have been part of the table and clapped his hands together. After he repaired the table, he reformed his finger and smiled at his visitor.

"…"

Lieutenant Maria Ross looked at the young man before her. While she didn't consider him to be ugly, he wasn't exactly the type of man that she was attracted to.

"Miss Ross?"

Or at least that was certainly the case that morning. Right now, there was something about this particular person that made him seem more… interesting than before. It wasn't something that she could put her finger on, though she was taken by the urge to untie his hair and run her fingers through it.

"Miss Ross," the alchemist repeated. "Is everything ok?"

"What? Oh, sorry about that, it's been a long day. Here's the sketch, Sir."

Edward looked at the drawing. "This was the intruder last night?"

"Yes Sir, that's the woman your brother saw," Ross explained. "Unfortunately he didn't get a very good look at her face."

"Yeah, but there can't be that many people running around dressed like this," the blonde replied, gesturing to the long gown and elbow length gloves depicted in the sketch. He looked up at his bodyguard. "Is something up?"

"I… when was the last time you washed your hair? Would you like some help with it?" the raven haired woman asked, her cheeks colouring as she found herself unable to meet Edward's gaze.

After a moment, she quickly thought up a plausible reason for her question. "It's just that it's probably been a few days since you had a chance to wash it properly, and since I've been ordered to watch over you, I thought that it would be a good way to get to know each other better."

"I hadn't thought about it, to be honest," Edward paused as he scratched his head with his left hand. "But now that you mention it, I really should wash my hair sooner rather than later."

"I'll be back in a few minutes with the things."

* * *

Five minutes later, Edward Elric was enjoying the sensation of having his scalp massaged.

"This is nice," he smiled. "It's relaxing."

"I'm glad you like it, Sir," Maria replied as she worked the shampoo from tip to root.

"… You don't have to call me 'Sir', Miss Ross."

"But you are my superior officer, Sir, it wouldn't do for a lapse of discipline."

"But doesn't it feel weird saluting someone so much younger than you?" Ed asked.

"Well, I suppose that it is a little unusual, but you are a State Alchemist and that means at the least you hold the rank of Major in the military hierarchy," the lieutenant explained. "But if it makes you more comfortable, we could call each other by our first names when we're not on duty."

"But if you've been ordered to watch over me, then aren't you on duty most of the time?"

"I… now that you mention it, that might be the case," Ross mused.

"What if when we're alone, you call me Edward?" the alchemist suggested.

"I'd like that, S-, err, Edward," Maria smiled. "Oh, the water's gone cold. I'll go get some more."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Let me show you what a State Alchemist can do," Ed grinned. "Here."

After a quick clap of his hands, the blonde heated up the water.

"I see," the lieutenant nodded. Moments later the impressed look on her face turned to one of a more devious nature. "So there's no need for either of us to leave the room for a while, eh?"

"I guess not."

"Excellent."

Edward found his hair being rinsed off and his chair spun around to face the raven haired woman.

"I-is something wrong, Miss Ross?"

"No, and when we're alone, call me Maria," the woman said as she licked her lips. "And if I have my say in the matter, we'll be spending a lot of time together without the company of others…"

"We wi-" Ed's question was cut off by a tongue entering his mouth and licking his molars.

After nearly two minutes, the pair broke for air.

"So, what do you think to that, Edward?" Maria asked breathlessly.

* * *

To be continued?

Pre-read by Chi Vayne, previewed on Hawk's forum and possibly having the second chapter worked upon.

But who knows what he future will bring? Not I, that's for sure.


End file.
